Last week we wrote: We may well ask how we can come to understand our children. What tool will aid us to open up our children so that we can come to see what’s really going on inside of them? In fact there is a most effective tool that we can use: it is the subtle art of listening.

Our gedolim are – and always were – wonderful listeners. Certain incidents that I had the good fortune to witness have left lasting impressions on me. One erev Pesach, I was in the office of a well-known posek who is the rav of his community. Everyone is extremely pressured on erev Pesach, but the pressure that a rav experiences at that time can be almost unbearable. Besides his own responsibilities, the burden of the community rests on his shoulders, and he must tend to many last-minute duties, such as selling everyone’s chametz and answering shailot and inquiries.

As I waited in the rav’s office that erev Pesach, someone called him on the telephone with a shailah. After the first five minutes of the call, it became obvious to me that this caller was a typical "nudnik" – one of those people who call the rav with even the most irrelevant questions, just to get his attention.

The rav listened calmly and patiently for some twenty minutes, as the caller asked him one trivial question after another. When finally the rav hung up, unable to contain myself, I asked him why he didn’t simply hang up on this caller. Who has time for such things on erev Pesach, I asked. The rav looked at me and replied, "But he is a tzelem Elokim!"

Another time, at the home of Hagaon Harav Chaim Kanievsky shlita ( son of the famous Steipler Rav, Rabbi Yaakov Kanievsky,ztz’l ), I was discussing an urgent matter with the rabbanit (the daughter of Harav Elyashiv shlita). While we were speaking, the rabbanit received an "important" phone call. Over the phone, the rabbanit repeated a strange set of phrases again and again: "Yes, nothing will happen to you. Not today and not tomorrow; not here and not anywhere. To others it might have happened, but to you it won’t happen. Nothing will happen to you; everything will be fine."

 This went on and on for over a quarter of an hour, with the rabbanit listening and then repeating: "…It happened to others, but it won’t happen to you; not here and not anywhere; not today and not tomorrow…."

When she hung up, I asked her about the strange scene I had just witnessed. She explained that this poor woman is very nervous and is frightened by dreams. The rabbanit listens to her and tells her that everything will be fine and that she has nothing to fear. The woman is not reassured until the rabbanit goes through the whole litany of comforting phrases. "When I speak to her," she told me, "it usually helps for a few hours." I understood that this woman calls the rabbanit often, and each time the rabbanit goes through the entire ritual of listening and responding, just to make the woman feel good for a few hours! (She does this even on erev Shabbat, when she is involved in cooking for Shabbat and has a house full of people, many of whom are waiting to speak with the rabbanit herself.) How fortunate are we to be part of this holy Nation, among such giants!

These acts of listening to people who are not entirely stable, when we are under extreme pressure, requires midot that are almost superhuman, and might be beyond our abilities. Listening to our own children, however, under normal, everyday circumstances, is not beyond our abilities. If you listen to your children with love, trying genuinely to understand them, you will be amazed at how much you will learn about them. Your children will open up to you, giving you a very clear picture of what is going on inside. Then you will be able to get to the root of things, and to fix the problem, be’ezrat Hashem.

However, a word of caution is in order: A child may be afraid to open up to his parents for fear of their reaction. He may be afraid of their anger or of some punishment that may follow any revelation he makes to them.

In one tragic case that came to my attention, a child had been accosted by a stranger and molested. When she arrived home, her parents greeted her with anger, screaming at her, "Why are you late?…How many times have we told you to come home early?" and other such critical remarks.

At that moment the child, already in a deep state of trauma, could not bring herself to open up to her parents, and simply went to bed. Her parents found out what really happened only much later, when they took the child for professional counseling for complex problems had resulted from the trauma she had undergone.

Listen well to your children and don’t be quick to punish. Even if a word of reprimand is necessary, put it in a way that will allow the child to realize that you truly understand him. This will keep the lines of communication open, and will enable your children to confide in you and to seek your help – even in matters where they might otherwise keep their feelings to themselves.

A teenager whom I had the opportunity to interview explained to me how children go off the derech. (This boy happens to have many friends who have been turned off to religion and who have confided in him, so I consider his opinion to be fairly authoritative.) Children need and want their parents’ help and guidance, he remarked, especially when they start to get into trouble. Yet too often, when they try to speak openly with their parents, the parents respond only with anger and punishments. This accomplishes nothing, as the children don’t curtail their undesirable behavior as a result of their parents’ strict response; on the contrary, they continue their activities, but, having experienced their parents’ reactions, they learn to do things behind their parents’ backs and without their parents’ consent. Eventually, they reach a point of no return, rachmana litzlan.

We are our children’s greatest allies. They need us to understand them and guide them. If we truly listen to them, they will turn to us. If we turn them away, to whom will they turn?

It is only this attitude that will keep our children close to us, allowing us to give them the help and guidance they so desperately need, helping them to follow in our ways, and to remain loyal to Hashem all of their days.