Are you aware of the following amazing fact? Although no commercial airplane travels without a specific flight plan, throughout most of the flight the airplane does not travel on path! Many factors, such as atmospheric conditions and air currents, move the plane slightly off course, in varying directions.

How then can the plane succeed in reaching its destination? The answer, of course, is through the pilots’ ongoing navigation. They guide the plane according to the planned path, never straying too far from it, always keeping it in mind and in view, until eventually they reach their destination.

A well-known author aptly described our responsibilities in guiding our children in terms of an airplane pilot’s flight plans. We cannot hope to stay perfectly on course at all times, for too many factors we encounter affect our ability to respond as we would like to under all circumstances.

It is imperative that we view all the guidelines set forth in these articles as "flight plans." The thoughts expressed and the courses of action recommended in these pages are considerations to be borne in mind; we should not lose track of them, for they serve to guide us toward our destination. Yet to remain on track all the time cannot be expected of us. So many elements work against us, pushing us off course; everyone has his or her own pressures in life, which must not be underestimated, and coping with the endless and varied needs of a large family can absorb us completely and throw us off course. What we must do is to keep the proper path in mind constantly, so that we can navigate toward it, make sure that we do not stray too far from it, and eventually reach our "destination."

Parents also need to realize how exceptionally unselfish they really are when they relate to their children. Kindness that is extended to others without any intention of being compensated is certainly the highest form of chesed, and it is what parents and do constantly, investing in their children far more than anything they can ever hope to receive in return. They give of themselves without seeking recognition, and with full awareness that the recipients of their many acts of kindness will never really know or appreciate how much they have given them. Recognize the profound degree of your own selflessness! This is not ga’avah, (conceit) by any means. On the contrary, it will give you the strength you need to continue in your efforts, to achieve and to overcome the many obstacles in your path, to progress towards ultimate success in the chinuch of our children.

In this column we have discussed fostering warm loving relationships with our children. It is important to note a crucial point regarding this issue: that anger is one of the most destructive forces we can employ in relating to children.

Ka’as – anger and its various manifestations (screaming, for example) – alienates children and can fill them with fear. One of the great Rabbis of our time, Rabbi S. Wolbe, shlita, addresses this topic in his classic work, Alei Shur (Vol. I p.261). "Nothing can ruin the warm relationship between parents and children so effectively as the parents’ causing their children to fear them excessively. In addition to destroying family relationships, parents who cause their children to fear them can lead to their children to rebel totally, chas veshalom, when the children are older."

Many years ago I was present when someone approached Rabbi Yaakov Kaminetzky zt"l to discuss the talmudic passage that states, "le’olam al yatil adam eimah yeseirah besoch beiso – a person should never bring too much fear into his house." The person who approached Reb Yaakov zt"l had inferred from these words that "a lot of fear is not good – but a little fear is good." Upon hearing this the Rabbi replied, "I don’t know if any fear is good. What is necessary is for the parents to relate to the family in a way that automatically inspires their respect. Clearly, acting out of impulsive anger does inspire anyone’s respect (even if they’re your own children or students.) The Orchos Tzaddikim states, "A ka’asan-one who gets angry constantly, does not find favor in the eyes of others; in fact he arouses their hatred."

Worse than any of these adverse results, though, constant anger (and its manifestations) can be emotionally damaging to a child, chas veshalom. (Being that we are all human, we all get angry occasionally. It is when a child is exposed to angry outbursts consistently that anger can be damaging.)

Rabbi Y.Greenwald, in his book, Lada’as Ba’aretz Darkecha (page 275), presents a common scenario: "It could happen the moment I enter the house: The children are jumping all over, with no inclination to go to sleep. My wife, exhausted after a long day, genuinely needs my help.

"How will I react? My first thought is that a few screams and a slap or two will do the trick, my gut feeling is that showing anger will bring the quickest results. Nevertheless, I must stop to think clearly, to consider whether this is really the correct approach. ‘One who becomes angry constantly is hated by others’ (Orchos Tzaddikim, as above). Moreover, constant anger could damage the children emotionally.

"In general, the time has come for me to clarify whether anger is the most effective response. Couldn’t I achieve the desired result if I were to take my child firmly by the hand and put him to bed with a warm, loving smile? Perhaps I could begin to sing a song and then suddenly pick my child up and start dancing with him – I could then dance him straight to bed – and put him in. One of two things would happen: the child will be either shocked or ecstatic, but in either case he probably won’t even realize that he was put into bed."

Lada’as Ba’aretz Darkecha suggests two methods of overcoming one’s anger: (1) to speak softly (as mentioned in Iggeres Haramban), especially during a tense period, and (2) to show love to your child at the moment of intense anger. The author describes a friend who, when he felt himself giving way to his angry feelings, would give his child a strong hug. His anger would dissipate immediately.

Many of our grandmothers had their own methods of dealing with anger: when a child would annoy them, they would give the child a few sincere berachot (" Shetihye barie-May you be healthy…May you live a long life…etc."). This is a very effective way for us to put things into perspective for ourselves when our anger seems about to overcome us.

The most important thing we can do for our children, however, is to realize that our anger, consistently expressed, can drive our children away from us in the long run, while the love and closeness that exists between ourselves and our children will lead us to success in our children’s chinuch, particularly in our turbulent times.

With sincere wishes that you too will experience great success and siyata diShemaya,