As I write these words, I’m reminded of the snowstorm we had here in Jerusalem last year. Snow is rare in this part of the world, so it is always accompanied by much fanfare and excitement, by adults and children alike. People were building snowmen, having snowball fights, or just walking outside, enjoying the scenery and noting how beautiful everything looked all covered in white. Many people even presented divrei Torah and gematriyot about the snow. Among all the activity and changes in routine engendered by the snow were a number of fallen trees.

After the storm, I was walking with a friend of mine who is an expert in the field of botany. Before he moved to Eretz Yisrael, he worked in a plant nursery in Los Angeles, where his customers included a number of well-known movie stars. Pointing out to me various trees that had fallen in the snowstorm, he was telling me, "This tree was a weed; no preparation was put into its planting – that’s why it fell."

I asked him if some plants did not succeed even if people did invest time and effort into planting them. He explained that careful planting is not enough; the ground needs to be well prepared beforehand. Ground is naturally often hard and compact, and unless it is turned over and softened, roots cannot penetrate and take hold. In his work in the Los Angeles plant nursery, he noticed that this was the source of a common mistake people would make. They would invest money in seed and in various materials to help the plants grow, but the plants themselves would die or would be uprooted when they were exposed to even a small measure of "stress." Upon investigation it was discovered that their owners hadn’t prepared the ground before planting them. For plants to take root and last, one must soften the ground first.

I was struck by the aptness of this metaphor as it applies to influencing our children. We must realize that, in everything we are and in everything we do, with regards to our children, we are planting seeds. What ground is more fertile than the holy neshamah of a child? Just as we must prepare for the planting of seeds, so too must we carefully plan out the ways in which we will influence our children. Positive influence cannot result from our spontaneous reactions if we’ve placed no thought into them. Someone might feel that he works so hard to influence his children, when in reality he might not have planted any true seeds at all. During daily interaction, he might simply have reacted to his children’s actions. "Put that toy away." "Put your plate in the sink." "Did you brush your teeth?" This cannot be considered to be "prepared planting." At best it is like allowing a weed to grow on its own. At the slightest stress, it may fall under, lacking the ability to endure.

Our influence over our children must be planned, and if we plan it right, preparing the groundwork and then planting the right seeds under the right conditions, our influence can and will succeed, be’ezrat Hashem, to take root.

Yet before we discuss how to prepare the ground and how to plant seeds – how to successfully influence our children, it is important first to discuss how not to influence. One cannot influence successfully through criticism and negativity.

An educator in Eretz Yisrael was addressing a group of teen-aged boys who had been brought up religious, but had adopted other ways of life. He asked them to tell him what comes to mind when they hear the words "yirat Shamayim." The associations they offered him were: punishment; Gehinnom; prohibition; self-inflicted pain; and even depression. The sad fact is that these words identified their experiences of yirat Shamayim.

One of the boys in this group volunteered that he believes that the reason he left religious observance was just so that his parents would appreciate what he does do . "Now when I come to synagogue, or when I don’t desecrate the Shabbat, my parents are really glad, and they show it," he said.

Harav Yechiel Yaakovson shlita, an expert educator here in Eretz Yisrael, quoted the despairing monologue of a teenager who became non-religious. This boy was later killed tragically in a car accident. His words were published with the hope that it would open the eyes of those parents who still feel that criticism is the only way to relate to children who do not meet our expectations. May the zechut of the influence of his words bring an aliyah to his neshamah:

"Try to understand the feeling of waking up every morning knowing that just another day of depression is waiting for you. If you won’t pray, you’ll feel bad the whole day. Nothing will help. I haven’t been praying for two years now, and I feel bad. I’m afraid of Gehinnom. I try not to think about it, but it doesn’t help. So what can I do about it? Pray, maybe? If you pray, Gehinnom is still waiting for you. Why? Because you have no patience; you just sit nervously waiting for the Tefilla to be over. You go crazy from the boredom.

"So let’s say that you really try to pray – it’s impossible to succeed! If you didn’t have kavanna when you said Shem Hashem, you have an aveirah. It’s as if you said Shem Shamayim levatalah. If you didn’t have kavanna in the first passuk of Keriyat Shema, you were mevatel a mitzvat aseh, and you said birchot Keriyat Shema levatalah. The same goes for the first berachah of Shemonah Esreh.

"Let’s say you’ve already worked hard and now you actually have kavanah when you pray. You think that maybe you were matzliach in your prayers – hey! – aren’t you ashamed of yourself?! Your tefillah isn’t sincere! The only reason you prayed well was to impress the rabbi and the other students, and you did it at a time when Hashem is standing in front of you, watching you. Just you wait, you hypocrite! There [when you get to the Olam Ha’emet] everyone will see who you really are.

Then the learning period begins; you have to learn…but I don’t like to learn! My head hurts; my eyes hurt; and whatever I do I come out all mixed up, without understanding anything clearly. What do I gain from all this? Who would be willing to work hard without getting anything out of it? You want to tell me I’ll have Olam Haba? Yeah, right. If you waste one minute, you were already transgressed 200 mitzvot aseh [the Chafetz Chaim says that a person can learn approximately 200 words in a minute]. And even the little you did learn is not lishmah-purely for the sake of heaven.What will be with you? You start to wish that you were born irreligious, so whatever you don’t do right wouldn’t be your fault and you’d get no Gehinnom; you’d be a tinok shenishba (literally an infant that was captured, this phrase referring to those who were never educated in the areas of religion and are not to be blamed for their sins)– you’d have no mitzvot or aveirot.

You go around with these feelings until you feel like you’re going to lose your mind, like you’ll just explode. And in the end you leave the yeshivah. You try to be a heretic, but it doesn’t go…you know the truth! So now what? There’s really no choice; either way Gehinnom is waiting for you, and you have to run away from it. It’s easier to run away when you’re on the streets!"

This poor boy, alav hashalom, was never allowed to feel that he was a success in spiritual matters. He was constantly criticized, and endless demands were placed on him. Much work was invested in trying to help him, but, as he himself said, "Theoretically, it’s clear to me that Hashem loves me and wants me to succeed – but I can’t overcome these feelings, and all the theoretical proofs don’t help me a bit!"

Clearly, criticizing and making unreasonable demands on children are not ways to influence them to pursue a life of Torah. In truth, they are powerful tools to influence a child to hate himself, and the negative impressions they will leave will be lasting ones.

I am reminded of a poem entitled "A child learns what he lives, which reads, in part:

If a child lives with criticism

He learns to condemn.

If a child lives with hostility

He learns to fight.

If a child lives with fear

He learns to be apprehensive.

If a child lives with ridicule

He learns to be shy.

If a child lives with shame

He learns to feel guilty.

If a child lives with tolerance

He learns to be patient.

If a child lives with encouragement

He learns to be confident.

If a child lives with praise

He learns to appreciate.

If a child lives with approval

He learns to like himself.

If a child lives with acceptance

He learns to find love in the world.

If a child lives with honesty and fairness

He learns what truth and justice are.

If a child lives with sharing

He learns to be generous.

If a child lives with serenity,

He learns to have peace of mind.