In the previous article we wrote: "We cannot underestimate damage a label can cause. Precisely because children generally believe their parents, a label can become a self-fulfilling prophecy."

Let us not make the mistake of thinking that only young children react so strongly to the labels that are placed on them. Rabbi Yaakovson discusses the case of a boy who was involved in serious criminal offenses involving theft and cheating. When he was young, his mother had often told him that he was crooked and dishonest. When he was older, as a delinquent teenager, the boy was asked if there had been opportunities for him to cheat or steal, when he had been mitgaber and didn’t transgress.

He answered that there certainly had been such times, but he was quick to add, "That doesn’t change anything. I’m a crook and I can’t be any different. It’s my nature, and that’s the way it is!"

Consider, on the other hand, the potential effects of positive labels. One well-known rabbanit used to offer her services to baby-sit neighborhood children, so that mothers could run their errands unburdened. Once a woman brought her two sons to the rabbanit to watch. While they were there, the older brother began to fight with the younger one, and threw an object at him. The object hit the glass that covered the breakfront, shattering it. Of course, the older boy was terrified. The rabbanit came into the room and, saying nothing, handed the boy a broom and dustpan. Later, when the mother came to pick up her children, the rabbanit made no mention of the incident, and the boy did not tell his mother about it.

Not long after that, the mother brought her two sons to the rabbanit’s house once again. She did not feel uncomfortable about bringing both boys, nor did she apologize, for she was totally unaware of what had transpired on their previous visit. Upon seeing both boys, the rabbanit said happily, "I’m so glad you both came!" Then, turning to the older brother she continued, "You are a responsible boy and have experience. You can help me watch your younger brother. I know I can rely on you!"

After she witnessed the way in which the rabbanit related to him, the mother began to tell her older son often, "You’re a responsible boy; I know I can rely on you." These words worked wonders for the boy, bringing about a major transformation for the better. Much later, the boy told his mother about the incident of the broken glass at the rabbanit’s house, with all the details. When he finished, he said, "Mommy, when I grow up I want to marry only a rabbanit!"

When something in our children is not "working properly," what we must do is to open the "machine," look inside and find the root of the problem (to quote my friend the electrician).

The key that can open our children up is understanding. If we try to understand our children with love, if we try to put ourselves in their place and try to picture what they are going through, we may begin to get a clear picture of the root of their problems.

Our Rabbis certainly understood children and knew how to respect their feelings. Someone once came to the Steipler zt"l to discuss problems he was having with his child. The Steipler told him to learn mussar with his child daily, using an easy sefer such as Orchot Tzadikim. After a time the father returned to the Steipler and expressed his frustration, for his son was not responsive to his attempts at learning mussar with him. "I told my son that the Rabbi said he has to learn mussar," the father lamented.

"That’s not the way to do it," explained the Steipler. "The way to approach your son is to tell him that you would like to learn mussar – for yourself – and that you need a chavruta(study partner). Then ask him if he would be willing to learn it with you.

Rabbi Abraham Twersky recounts an incident that took place in his father’s house when he was yet a young child. As young as he was, he was known to be a chess prodigy. One Rosh Hashanah a guest in the house, who was also a rabbi, cajoled the young boy into playing a game with him, which the boy won. The rabbi had told him that it is permissible to play chess on Rosh Hashanah.

The next evening (the second night of Rosh Hashanah), his father heard about the incident and called his son into his study. "I heard that you played chess on Rosh Hashanah," said the elder Rabbi Twersky,

shaking his head back and forth in a show of disapproval and disappointment. The young boy absorbed his father’s message fully. His father then turned to him with a twinkle in his eye and said, "At least you checkmated him, didn’t you?"

Although his father was disappointed in his son and felt he had to teach him a lesson, he made it clear to his son that he understood him, and loved him in any case.

We may well ask how we can come to understand our children. What tool will aid us to open up our children so that we can come to see what’s really going on inside of them? In fact there is a most effective tool that we can use: it is the subtle art of listening.

To be continued, im yirze Hashem