What about the Shabbat Table?

At the Shabbat table, too, our main goal is that our children view this as a positive experience. In order to achieve this principal goal, we might have to overlook other concerns we may have at that time, such as disciplining the children. Disciplining our children harshly at the Shabbat table will not make it a positive experience in their eyes. This is not to say that we should allow children to speak with chutzpah at the table, or that we should ignore major infractions; we must maintain a basic level of decorum at the Shabbat table. Nevertheless, there are many times when we could act with more patience and understanding if we would constantly bear in mind our most important goal: to give our children what they consider to be a positive experience. It is impossible to overstate the importance of this goal.

There are innumerable ways by which to make the Shabbat table a positive experience for our children. Children love attention, and the Shabbat table offers many opportunities to give our children a great quantity of healthy attention. They enjoy immensely repeating the divrei Torah they learned in school. They also love to have the chance to say their own divrei Torah which they might have prepared beforehand – on their own or with their parent’s help. (These divrei Torah don’t have to be long or complex; even short divrei Torah can give a child tremendous satisfaction.)

Children also love to share the events and experiences of their lives with their parents, and when the family is sitting together at the Shabbat table it is an excellent time for such sharing. It would work wonders for our children – and for our relationship with them and our ability to influence them – if we would give them our full listening ear when they tell us about the things that happen to them.

When we invite guests to join us for our Shabbat meals, they might claim most of our attention. However, we must bear in mind that if we ignore our children, directing our attention exclusively toward our guests, then the children will not have viewed this meal as a positive experience. One might argue that children should learn from our example how to act at the Shabbat table, but if they get no attention whatsoever when the meal is in progress, it is not likely that they will absorb this lesson. As we have stated, the basis of the influence we can have upon our children is that they view spirituality as a positive experience, and if they do not view it as such, no example will have the intended effect.

A solution to this dilemma might be to give the children our full attention during the first part of the meal, after which we can allow them to leave the table. Then we can give our guests the attention they deserve. I have noticed that guests are generally very much impressed by parents who devote time to their children at the Shabbat table, and they have a great deal of respect for these parents.

Singing with our children is another way to enhance the Shabbat table experience. There are many songs, besides the standard zemirot, that children enjoy singing. Give your children a chance to sing these songs with you at the table. Singing the birkat hamazon together with the children also gives them much pleasure, and is worthwhile. Giving a treat to a child who says the birkat hamazon nicely will certainly encourage him to want to recite these brachot, and will make it a positive experience altogether.

One father I know bought cards with questions from Tanach printed on them. At the Shabbat table, he asked each person at the table a question in turn. Anyone who knew an answer got to keep the card that showed that question, to hold until the end of the meal. This generated a very happy atmosphere at the table, but I was most surprised to see the response of the sixteen-year-old son. This boy was a problematic child who had been expelled from yeshivah, and at that time he was "on the street"; he would not accept any educational or religious structure in his life. Yet he was participating enthusiastically in this family activity at the Shabbat table.

Another father prepares a quiz on the parashah for the Friday evening meal, and another quiz on a topic of halachah for the Shabbat morning meal. (Questions capture a family’s interest, such as "where do we find the color brown in this week’s parashah?") Children love questions and enjoy the challenge.

Yet another father taught his children the names of all the gemarot in Shas, and together they put those names to music, singing the masechtot (tractates) at the Shabbat table, to a familiar tune which they all knew.

Of course all these activities require some preparation – but so does the Shabbat food; yet no one refrains from having food at the Shabbat table, just because it requires preparation.

Some families find it worthwhile to shorten the Shabbat meal to avoid their children becoming bored, as children aren’t able to sit for very long. Others allow their children to leave the table after a half-hour or so as a matter of course, while the adults continue the meal as long as they like. In this way, the meal remains a positive experience for both children and adults.

Making a positive experience of the Shabbat table is no less significant for grown children and guests. A neighbor of mine alav hashalom, a widower named Reb Aryeh, was a very happy, positive person, and was always ready with interesting stories to relate. One Shabbat, his good friend Dov was hosting two non-religious boys who had been considering changing their lifestyle. At that time the boys hardly presented the picture of Jewish youth we hope to see. Their earrings and long hair told a story of their own.

Toward the end of the meal, Reb Aryeh stopped by Dov’s house for a visit, as was his custom on Friday nights. He stayed quite late into the night, entertaining Dov’s guests with stories, anecdotes, interesting comments and fascinating conversation.

Just a week or so later, one of Dov’s children happened to meet those two boys, and found them completely transformed. Among other things, their earrings were gone, and they both had haircuts. In fact, in that short time they had made their decision to become religious and had registered in a yeshivah for ba’alei teshuvah. When the boy asked them what had prompted them to make this decision, they answered, "Our former way of life had nothing to offer us that could compare to that Shabbat evening that we spent at your house."

There are many more tools we can employ to influence our children in areas of religion, and we hope to discuss these, beli neder, in future articles. Yet they are all ineffective if we do not make ruchaniyut (spirituality) a positive experience in our child’s eyes.

And if we do, we may be surprised to find that religion will become a more positive experience for us as well.

With sincere wishes for your hatzlachah and siyata diShemaya,