In the last article we wrote:

"If we want the screen of our child’s heart to read, "I can do it…I can succeed, be’ezrat Hashem…I’m important…I feel happy with myself and with my life," then we must write these words on their hearts, through our words and actions.

The words and actions that inscribe such feelings of confidence and security on children’s hearts are those of encouragement and love."

It is important to understand what constitutes encouragement, but first let us explain what encouragement is not. Certain phrases that we may intend as encouragement can be just the opposite. "You could if you only wanted to," is not encouragement; it is rather a rebuke, for with words such as these we are reprimanding the child for not wanting to do what we expect of him.

"You did well this time – why don’t you do well other times?" is not pure encouragement; it is encouragement accompanied by a complaint, and it can do much damage to a child.

"This is so easy, anyone can do it," is certainly not encouragement; in fact it is a criticism, for it points to the child’s failure and highlights it, by showing how anyone else is able to perform this task so easily.

What then is encouragement? In general, encouragement is anything – whether it takes the form of words or actions – that will empower the recipient to achieve more. It will give him the courage to strive and to push forward, and to overcome any obstacles he might encounter. Specifically, encouragement points out to someone the success that he is already having.

If we want our children to succeed, and to be happy and motivated in life, we must point out what they are already doing right! Especially in areas where children are experiencing difficulty, we must search for even the smallest measure of their success. By calling it to their attention and showing that we appreciate it, we are writing a powerful message on their hearts. We are writing, "I can do it, be’ezrat Hashem!"

Writing such messages can result in truly amazing changes. Harav Yaakovson cites two fascinating cases.

Pinchas almost never listened to his parents. After they would scream at him a number of times, he would sometimes do some portion of what they asked. The situation deteriorated to the point where his parents avoided asking anything of him unless it was absolutely necessary. They would then immediately revert to screaming; they knew that speaking with him was fruitless, so they did not even try.

Realizing that this situation could not continue, they sought advice. They were told to encourage Pinchas. This was no easy task, considering they were dealing with a child who gave them nothing on which to base their encouragement. Yet they were determined. They looked for even the smallest indication of success in order to encourage him.

Normally, the hour when Pinchas’ father came home from work was a time of reckoning. The mother would tell him all the antics Pinchas had pulled off throughout the day. When they began their campaign of encouragement, however, they changed this routine. When the father came home, making sure Pinchas could hear her, Pinchas’ mother said, "Pinchas behaved better than usual today. Normally I have to yell at him six times before he gets out of bed. This morning, he got up after I yelled only two times. I know it was hard for him and I’m pleased with the improvement. His father approached Pinchas, held out his hand to him and said with pride, "I appreciate your efforts."

Don’t be deluded into thinking that from that moment on everyone lived happily ever after. On the following morning it took more than two screams to get Pinchas out of bed. But his parents continued to encourage him – that is, to look for what he was doing right and to praise him for it. "Yesterday you might have been more successful," they told him, "but today you also tried hard, and that’s what’s important."

These parents informed the rebbi of their plan, and he joined in their efforts. One day when the rebbi needed a monitor in class, he turned to Pinchas, saying, "Your parents are very happy with you. They say that you are really making an effort to be mitgaber on your midot. You must be quite mature then. You’re the man for the job!"

Two and a half years later, the parents could hardly even remember that they had ever had a problem with Pinchas!

With sincere wishes for your success and siyata diShemaya,