The more you catch them doing things right, the more they will do things right.

Pointing out what your children are already doing right, can result in truly amazing changes.

Rabbi Yaakovson, renowned educator and lecturer here in Israel, cites this fascinating story.

Yossi, an excellent student in the fifth grade was afraid to leave his house at night. His father, describing his problem to the principal, said, "My son is a coward, and nothing can be done about it. I’ve tried countless times to help him, to no avail." When the principal asked what methods he had used to help his son, the father replied, "I’ve reprimanded him, embarrassed him, and made him feel very uncomfortable, in the hope that he would stop himself from being afraid. I’ve even called him a coward, so that he would prove me wrong. Sometimes I physically forced him out of the house at night."

The principal then spoke with Yossi. "Why are you afraid at night?"

"Because I’m a coward," came the quick response.

"What are you afraid of?"

"Arabs, terrorists…things like that," answered Yossi.

"Why aren’t you afraid of these same things during the day? Is it because at night it gets dark?"

"Yes. At night you can’t see what’s going on around you," said the boy.

"That’s very natural," said the principal. "Hashem gave everyone this fear as a gift, to make us more cautious at night. Our test is for us to overcome the pure fear, and to transform that fear into caution. You can do that by practicing."

"But I can’t," Yossi insisted. "I’m a coward!"

"Do you ride a bicycle?" asked the principal.

"Yes," came the answer.

"But aren’t you afraid of falling? Don’t forget, you’re a coward." Yossi smiled uneasily. "Think about it," said the principal. "You were afraid, but you practiced, until the fear turned into caution. That’s exactly the way you can handle your fear of night. Do you keep the lights on in your room when you go to sleep?"

"No."

"Are you afraid?"

"A little."

"Excellent!" said the principal. "This means that you are a little afraid and a little not afraid. You’ve already overcome your fear a little. You’ve already trained yourself not to be afraid, a little. With patience, you can do even more. Every night when you go to sleep, repeat to yourself, ‘I’ve already succeeded in sleeping in the room with the light off.’ Keep telling yourself that, until you feel your success."

The principle then instructed the parents to turn off the light in the living room when Yossi went to bed, gradually increasing the time it remained off. At first they were to close it for a period of five minutes, eventually working up to fifteen minutes at a time, leaving on only the small bathroom light. After a month, they were to leave the living room light off for the entire evening. He also instructed them to take Yossi out at night for a few minutes at a time, and to stand nearby. Gradually, they were to move farther away from him while he was outside.

Seven months later, there was no longer any trace of the problem.

Encouragement – pointing out what the child is already doing right, and praising him for it – can truly work wonders.

Rebecca suffered from a debilitating disease. By the time she was twelve years old she had lost the use of her legs. Although the doctors had little hope that she would ever walk again, Rebecca remained optimistic. Eventually she was transferred to a special hospital in San Francisco, where she underwent intensive therapy. It was there that she learned the art of imagery: as part of her therapy she was to imagine herself being already the way she wanted to be. She would sit in her hospital bed for hours picturing herself moving her legs.

One day, as Rebecca lay imaging, her bed started to move, and she began to scream with excitement, "I did it – I’m moving!" What she didn’t know was that the entire hospital was moving; an earthquake was in progress! Yet after the event, no one was able to convince her of that fact. As far as she was concerned, it was she alone who had moved her bed, with her own legs.

Eventually Rebecca regained the use of her legs and walked without any assistance.

To be cont. (Im yirze Hashem)

With sincere wishes for your success and siyata diShemaya,

Rabbi Dov Brezak

Dear Rabbi Brezak,

Frustrated parents

Dear Mrs. and Mrs. ______,

The first step is to listen to your children with the intention of understanding them. Apply compassion and care while listening and try to truly put yourself in their place.

This shouldn’t be too difficult because you yourself are in agreement that the house needs an addition.

Sometimes doing this is enough. As with the high school class after the terrorist attack, the very fact that the children were able to air their feelings while being listened to and understood was sufficient.

In this case, I don’t think it will solve the problem, although it may alleviate much of the tension between you and your children.

The next step is to consider their feelings important, thus giving them the message that what is important to them is important to you. Again, this does not mean that you have to do as they want. But it does mean that how they feel is important to you. Although you yourself may be able to live with certain compromises, they suffer much embarrassment, mainly from peer pressure, so for them the burden is a much harder one to bear.

Once you truly understand them and feel for them, then it is time for the next step: a plan of action.

Here you are in a predicament, because even if you would like to expand your house, get a new car, and so on, your income does not allow for it. You should say something to your children like, "Your feelings are very important to me, and I would do something if I could."

This alone can make your children feel better, as long as you are sincere when you say it.

It may be worthwhile to make the improvements a top priority, so that your children will really see how important their feelings are to you. Therefore, if you get extra money it could be set aside for this.

Even if you make an improvement in only one area it is worthwhile, for you are showing your children that what is important to them is important to you. You will also enjoy a fringe benefit: your children will begin to reciprocate and make what is important to you, important to them.

In general, if children feel that parents consider their feelings important, they will feel much more appreciated by the parents and much less bitter.

A. Yes, but as we said in this and previous articles, children are not born perfect. It is the interaction with their parents that will help them improve. By showing them how important their feelings are to you, you are teaching them, through your personal example, to value and respect other people’s feelings — including yours!

Q. Why this business about feelings altogether? Why not just tell the child that he must have respect, and he will?

A. Are you sure? Telling him, even forcing him to respect you may work — on the surface (if you are lucky). But the child won’t respect you in his heart. And in the long run, it is the inner respect that will dominate his deeds.

Sometimes, children will offer to get involved in helping raise the necessary funds for the job. I know of one teenager who was very bothered by the fact that the furniture in her house was old. She knew, though, that her parents didn’t have money and so she offered to forego getting new clothes, in this way helping her parents toward the desired direction.

In any case, considering your children’s feelings and expressing their importance to you, will certainly bring about a dramatic change for the better in your situation, be’ezras Hashem.

With sincere wishes for your success and siyata diShemaya,