Practical Chinuch in Our Turbulent
Times- by Rabbi Dov Brezak Principal and Director, Talmud Torah Ezrat Torah, Yerushalayim
Surely you must have heard that Mashiach will be here very soon!
There are those who have cited the recent turn of events as a clear sign that right now we are actually on the verge of welcoming Mashiach. Such an upheaval, they say, could indicate nothing less than that.
In truth, we really cannot know how close Mashiach is. Yet we do know for certain that we are living in ikveta dimeshicha, in the times directly preceding the coming of Mashiach. Thus, we are witness to radical changes taking place at a very rapid pace, such as the great advances in technology, and, far more significant, the breakdown of values in secular society. A U.S. congressional study pointed out some of the shocking differences in the preservation of values in America between fifty years ago and today:
In the 1940’s, the leading disciplinary problems in the public schools were: (1) talking out of turn; (2) chewing gum; (3) making noise; (4) running in the halls; (5) littering.
In the 1990’s, the leading disciplinary problems in the public schools were: (1) substance abuse; (2) pregnancy; (3) suicide; (4) rape; (5) robbery; (6) assault.
In view of the dramatic changes that have taken place over the last half-century, we must realize that extra effort and special techniques are necessary to educate children nowadays. In the past, if these vital ingredients were lacking, it might not have made such a major difference in children’s lives. Nowadays, however, they can be crucial, for the situation in the world today borders on spiritual piku’ach nefesh. A secular author wrote, "I am convinced that if we as a society work diligently in every other area of life and neglect the family, it would be analogous to straightening deck chairs on the Titanic."
The Slonimer Rebbe, shlita, writes in Netivot Hachinuch that just as the passuk tells us "Chanoch lana’ar al pi darko" – each individual child must be dealt with in a way that is suitable to his needs, so too must we take care to "chanoch ledor al pi darko" – deal with each generation in accordance with its particular circumstances and needs.
In addition to recognizing the tremendous nisyonot our children are faced with, we must take into account the differences in individual personalities. People today are no longer strong and confident; many of them are soft and fragile, and they have a desperate need to be understood. Even those people who appear tough on the outside – especially children – are usually only wearing a mask.
The following composition was published anonymously:
The Purim season is an appropriate time to apply this understanding. One Purim I witnessed a phenomenal shedding of a mask. I have known Chaim for years. He is considered a wayward boy, who has been bounced from yeshivah to yeshivah. Ostensibly, he seems exceptionally tough, and apathetic where yiras shamayim is concerned. On Purim, though, when he became very drunk, I caught a glimpse of his real self, the self he keeps carefully hidden behind a mask.
That Purim, Chaim was pleading desperately for ahavat Torah. "Ani lo shaveh klum – I’m not worth anything," he cried. "I want only ahavat Torah; that’s all there is. I want Hashem to give me cheshek for learning. That’s what’s important." And so he went, crying and screaming through the streets.
It seems that he is not as wayward as people think. If only his teachers could recognize who he really is. Chaim has always been a daydreamer and has a difficult time organizing himself and his things. In school he was constantly berated for his daydreaming and his lack of orderliness. Eventually all the criticism took its toll. Yet on Purim (when so many others put on masks), Chaim’s mask came off.
With sincere wishes for your success and siyata diShemaya,
Rabbi Dov Brezak
Chinuch Questions and Answers
How should one parent react when he/she feels that the other parent’s methods are detrimental to their children’s chinuch?
It is important to recognize which cases are extreme cases, when one feels that the methods one’s spouse is using are actually doing great damage – in which case a rabbi must be consulted. One cannot rectify extreme situations without clear and specific guidance. The suggestions in these pages are meant to give general ideas and to offer some direction. However, these tools cannot be used to perform major operations without guidance, just as one cannot hope to perform a surgical operation just by entering a medical supply store and buying a scalpel, expecting to be able to use it safely and effectively.
In cases where the situation is not so extreme, as a rule one should not argue with one’s spouse in front of the children. Even though one may feel that the spouse’s methods are detrimental, by arguing in front of the children one will cause far more damage. It is impossible to overemphasize how helpful shalom bayit is for the chinuch of the children; so much can be accomplished when parents are united. On the other hand, it can be terribly traumatic for children to see their parents arguing, especially if the argument concerns them. This can result in great harm, and can cause the children strong feelings of guilt.
It is important to realize that arguing will almost never change your spouse’s feelings or methods. I came across a sign that read:
With your spouse – in fact with anyone – the way to deal with a difference of opinion is:
If there is a "right" and a "wrong" involved in the issue, it is likely that at this point, if the above steps have been followed properly, your spouse will concede regarding the mistake of his/her methods. Even if not, at least your spouse will have heard your message.
Many times, however, your discussion does not concern questions of right and wrong, but rather of two different approaches, with each one having advantages and disadvantages. In these situations, if couples attempt to work together, they may come up with new methods that work for the both of them, and upon which they can coordinate as a unit. In this case, 1+1=3, for the new methods they discover can fit into the styles of both of them. In order to accomplish this, of course, each spouse will have to be willing to make compromises, but if there is a feeling of teamwork between them, their joint efforts can create a beautiful solution.
Surprisingly enough, the ones who gain the most from parents working together are their children. When there is strife, the children feel like their world is crumbling under them, chas veshalom, while when there is harmony between couples, the children feel secure.
Isn’t that more important?
With sincere wishes for your success and siyata diShemaya,
Rabbi Dov Brezak